Due to Excessive Boredom: Some Zingers from Mayo.

Have some jokes that I decided to spend my time thinking of.

-Everything else sucks there, but I'd bet it'd be pretty sweet to own a range rover dealership in africa, apparently that's all they can drive.
-Horsefront riding isn't illegal in mexico.
-Nowadays in government we have Czars, which kinda made me wonder two things, when the people who are Czars these days were kids, were they like "When I grow up, I don't want to be secretary of such and such, or president of whatever, I want to be a fucking Czar!" And secondly, what were the other titles they were toying around with before they decided on Czar. I mean, Czar is the Russian word for Ceasar(yes, THAT Ceasar) which they used to designate a ruling monarch. Surely Emperor was on the list. Ayatollah? Jedi Master? I definitely think government would run a lot more efficiently if we had a Jedi Master of the Car Industry running the show.
-If there was proof that the government is secretly cloning people, it would be Samuel L. Jackson. He's everywhere.
-I want to make a DVD that's just full of background noise. Young couples could just pop it in and they wouldn't have to waste money on renting movies.
-People out west always talk about drinking moon shine, which kinda sounds like a pussy drink when you break it down. Maybe once they invent sun glow...
-Some people say the government needs to begin taking steps to colonize the moon and mars. I think we should just give the rights to MTV and VH1 to shoot reality tv shows up there. No one could sit here and convince me they wouldn't watch that.
-Florida's public education is funded by deals from indian casino's and lottery tickets. What exactly are we trying to teach these kids?
-The other day the Pope broke his wrist...shit has really gone downhill for the vatican since having sex with little boys was banned.
-The saying goes give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day, teach a man to fish, you've fed him for life. It's good they say man, because if you give a boy a fish, you've fed him for a day, teach a boy to fish, and you've convinced him to sit at a lake for the next four saturdays until he gives up.
-I kinda feel bad for walls sometimes, they've really had quite a fall from grace...they were the most effective way for keeping stuff in or out since the beginning of mankind, but nowadays they just seems to break a lot. You know something REALLY bad is about to happen next when a wall breaks down. Millions of gallons of water? Mongolian hordes? Sheep? If you ask me we're way past due for another breakthrough in wall technology. I'm talking like...forcefields.
-I have a bad habit of lowering my standards of things after awhile. Like, when I first got my car, it was a 2000 Honda Accord. Now it's more of a 2000 Honda Garbage Can. It still drives and stuff, it's just more accurately described as a garbage can.
-I always used to think I was special because I can listen to music, read, and sing at the same time. Then they invented the audiobook...
-If I could wish the whole world to be rid of one thing, I would wish it to be rid of hangnails, God definitely fucked up on the whole hangnails thing.
-I've always been proud of my irish decent. When you say irish, people think alcohol. It's pretty much the only nationality of people that are associated with just one thing. We have the monopoly on alcohol. Germans have Nazis and funny words. Russia has communism and snow. Australia has various furry critters and boomerangs. America has everything. Ireland? Just alcohol, thank you very much.
-I really think they should make a monopoly only with countries. The pieces could be the symbols for different corporations, and you just go around buying up the globe. Whatever countries the dark purple spaces would be will definitely be the laughing stock of the next UN summit. Nicaragua and Luxemborg! What're you laughing at Denmark? You got the electric company spot!
-I once got my hands on this bottle of Vodka, and it said at the top 'Traveller Pack'. It was very comfortable in my hand, but if they're going to commit to this portability angle, they should really get with the times go with cup holder friendly bottles.
-There's probably a reason I'm not in charge of things, and that reason would be my complete support of a federally funded program to make AT-AT walkers.
-They say humans only use 10% of our brains, which got me wondering, what other body parts are not running to their full capacity? Can my arms stretch if I can use 65% or more? Maybe bigfoot is just a guy who is running around using 100% of his body hair.
-I see a lot of soldiers wearing Livestrong bracelets and stuff, so that market is already covered, but I'd be a millionaire if I could just convince the up and coming generation of jihadists to wear Diestrong bracelets.

That's all I'm putting forth this evening, I hope one of these made you giggle, even if just a little.