Obama to Sign New Christmas Regulations Bill

In a lame duck session of Congress plagued with efficiency and bi-partisanship, President Obama and the Democrat majority Congress passed sweeping new reform of the Christmas holiday. The bill, voted on late last night, will extend the age in which parents have to celebrate and buy Christmas gifts for their children. "A lot of us returned to our districts to spend time with our families and found the houses around ours to be dreary and poorly lit. Business was down, and according to my interns, several of my constituents complained that they were unable to put Christmas gifts under the tree this year. Obviously, Christmas was dying, and we had to act fast" said one House Democrat.
Democrats checked and rechecked the list of votes and it was brought to the floor. There was some last minute confusion when some of the more liberal members of the Democrat party edited the House version of the bill last to include a ban on federal employees and firms receiving government contracts wishing people a merry Christmas. House Republicans were outraged, saying John Boehner, "This was just another example of Democrats trying to subvert a bi-partisan effort because they knew we wouldn't read the bill." House Democrats folded, removing that part of the bill, saying one Nancy Pelosi aide, "We really hoped to keep some of the language in this bill but unfortunately a few of our colleagues across the isle did have an intern read the bill, and more unfortunately, one of those aides was not Jewish."
The bill will mandate that all parents who have only one child buy him or her 22 gifts, parents with 2-4 kids must buy them 8 each, and parents who have from 5-9 kids must buy them 4 each. Parents who have more than 10 children can receive free presents for their children by mailing in a form designating the child's name, age, gender, interests, height, skin tone, place of birth, and social security number. These gifts will be paid for by a new tax on adult couples without kids aged 18-49. The new law also pushes the age that parents must celebrate Christmas with their kids to 26. Republicans protested both of those parts of the bill but were unable to draw compromise with the Democrats. "We're a little concerned about some of the regulations, but we're glad that the word of Christ will be now be handed down by the federal government."
Democrats paraded the bill, saying "Not only will this bill bring back the spirit of Christmas in this country, but it will also help boost the economy during these troubling economic times."
The bill has raised some concern and resentment among couples without children. "I was involved in an accident as child, I can't bear children, now I'm going to be taxed for it?" said one woman from Tennessee, while a New Jersey woman praised the bill saying "My boyfriend and I decided to have children that night. We figured that we might as well have 10 to capitalize on the new bill, and hopefully we can get enough fertilization drugs so we can have them all at once so we can get our own tv show."
A Florida couple made headlines later that day when they decided to put their 11-month old baby up for adoption. "My husband and I did the math and we just couldn't afford to pay for 22-gifts for our baby, but we definitely didn't feel right about a late-late term abortion, so our only option was to put little Jeffrey up for adoption." Under the law, orphans will also receive free gifts, but the mandate is yet to be paid for, as Republicans found enough support from Democrats to threaten a filibuster if the original plan to have children who were raised by two parents pick up 75% of the tab while single parent homes picked up the rest wasn't removed alongside the ban on saying Merry Christmas.
It's unclear what the full impact of this law will have down the line, but for now, the Christmas spirit seems to have returned to Washington.