If I were king of sports land...

Today I was hit in the face with the harsh unloving reality of capitalism when I discovered that Los Angeles has two baseball teams. Not only that, two relevant baseball teams. I say this to the people of Los Angeles, you greedy greedy bastards, do you REALLY need TWO baseball teams? Same to you NYC. You're a bunch of greedy assholes. This is what happens when you leave capitalism unchecked, all the rich people take all the cool things(like football teams) and even the uncool things(like baseball teams) away from the poor poor people of cities like Billings, Montana or Birmingham, Alabama. Something needs to be done!

Don't worry, this is why we have government!

Having finally seen the light in the uses of government regulation, I'm going to apply to become Sports Czar of the Obama Administration. Being that I pay my taxes and have not been recorded promoting communism, I'm pretty sure I'll be approved by Monday. Once I'm appointed Sports Czar, the first mandate I'm making is that a city can only have one sports team per sport.

Sorry LA Dodgers, your days of not getting hit by things is over. And GET-THE-FUCK-OUT JETS JETS JETS because your bullshittery will no longer be tolerated. Chicago Cubs, I'm dealing with you the way I deal with girls that lead me on and break my heart, never letting you go! That's right Chicago White Sox, the MLB already has a team with colored Sox, so go fuck yourself. NY Mets, don't even waste my time! Hey, Jacksonville Jaguars, you're too close to Tampa, GTFO!

Barrow, Alaska, enjoy your new football team, the Barrow Rollers!
Killdeer, North Dakota, you get a fucking baseball team, The North Dakota Deer Shankers!
Phenix City, Alabama, I appreciate your sticking it to weird spellings of things, have a baseball team compliments of Chicago, the Phenix Dropouts!

and the best of all

Arkadelphia, Arkansas, you deserve a punch in the face, instead, you get a football team, the Arkadelphia Desert Eagles