What do Afghanistan, Obama, and the GOP have in common? I wish they'd go away...

A few things to discuss tonight, mostly political, so, sorry to those of you who don't care. The Snooze Fest begins....now.

First off, is Afghanistan. Obama is reportedly going to announce sending an additional 34,000 troops to Afghanistan on Friday. Personally, I don't think it'd matter if we sent every lower class 18-35 year old citizen in America, we'd still have trouble accomplishing anything. They're a divided, xenophobic people who view us as occupiers(Thanks to Imperial Hubris by Michael Scheuer for drilling this into my head). The Karzai government is laughable(ranked 2nd most corrupt country in the world, Somalia is 1st, Iraq is 5th[isn't it funny how U.S. troops have all been to these places in the two decades?]), the Taliban is growing, and casualties are practically soaring. What really pisses me off about this is the notion that congress is actually concerned about how to pay for all this. Democrats are throwing around the idea of instead of adding this to the 12,000,000,000,000 dollar debt, we start taxing rich people(that 250k mark is being thrown around again) to curb the cost and lessen some of the cost to our children! Wow, that's brilliant guys, you're really earning that six figure salary we pay for every year. I have a solution just as simple, and I believe, just as worthy of a congressional seat. Stop fighting! Realize that we failed to do the job properly, realize that Osama is going to die of natural causes(maybe he'll go out with a real bang though), and realize that we've REALLY fucked things over at home in our effort to further the empire.

Onwards, to slightly more comical matters. After switching off CNN in disgust today, mostly over shitty reporting, but at least a bit because I <3 Lou Dobbs, I turned on FOX. Now, I haven't watched FOX regularly in about 3 years, but I'm pondering a come back, but that's a story for another post. I saw a story about the Grand Ol' Party potentially making GOP candidates take a test which determines whether or not they are true conservatives, and if they don't fall in with 8 of the 10 party lines, the GOP will shut off party funding. Besides being struck with the initial feeling that this stunt is something I might expect in Soviet Russia, I was very curious what the 10 things were. Luckily, I found them:
You must support 8 of the following 10 things to be a Conservative in the Republican party,

1. Smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's “stimulus” bill.
2. Market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run health care.
3. Market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation.
4. Workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check.
5. Legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants.
6. Victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges.
7. Containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat.
8. Retention of the Defense of Marriage Act.
9. Protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion.
10. The right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership.

1) Yes, making government smaller, or at least preventing it from growing takes precedence over anything.
2) Yes, government has no role in dishing out healthcare, the free market will take care of that.
3) Yes, cap and trade is a ridiculous amount of government regulation and it will increase living costs across the board.
4) Yes, workers shouldn't be forced to unionize, and likewise, I think corporations should be able to decide if they will allow unions.
5) Yes, illegal immigration is a plague upon our country, and should be a priority(one of few) of the government to take reasonable measures to shore up our nations borders.
6) No, these wars are lost, and were not meant to be fought in the first place. It is not the responsibility of the United States to spread democracy.
7) No, While rogue states are a problem, they are not a particular threat, and the only thing that's going to help spread and create nations like Iran and North Korea is if the U.S. keeps threatening them. These nations will naturally collapse over time. Iran was close to revolution this summer, and although North Korea doesn't show signs of loosening up any time soon, I think they will not do anything that will threaten the United States.
8) No, gay people should be allowed to marry, who is the government to say they can't? The Defence of Marriage Act is a restriction of freedom and should be struck down. Let the states choose.
9) Yes, government shouldn't have the power a persons healthcare, and thus, while I'm pro-choice, money for abortions is really a non-issue here.
10) Yes, the second amendment guarantee for gun ownership is essential to our freedom and restriction of gun ownership(beyond some bits regulation) is unconstitutional.


7/10. To be honest I'm a bit shocked, I was thinking more around the range of 5-6, but these aren't all the issues. I find that abortion not being it's own little issue on here is an encouraging step for the GOP. It's an interesting survey, and I'm curious as to where congressional republicans would fall. The good news in all of this is that, while I'm a registered Libertarian, a career in politics is only a signature and one measly issue away from me.

If Facebook were around in years past...

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Watch the %&#$ out Obama, a wild Belgian appears!

As some of you may have heard...kidding kidding, BREAKING NEWS! EUROPE ELECTS PRESIDENT OF ALL EUROPE. PRESIDENT OF BELGIUM SELECTED. RESPONSE FROM OBAMA UNSURE. SELECTIVE SERVICE EXPECTED TO BE ANNOUNCED. "I TOLD YA'LL THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!" SAYS W. BUSH. CHENEY DIES UPON HEARING THE NEWS. JOE BIDEN RELATIVELY CONFUSED. ISRAEL READIES NUCLEAR WEAPONS FOR USE. THE POPE FINALLY ADMITS HE DOESN'T REALLY HAVE ANY POWER ANYMORE, KILLS HIMSELF. ISLAM UNITES UNDER ONE GLOBAL FLAG! SERBIAN ASSASSINS POSITION THROUGHOUT EUROPE, READY TO STRIKE. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO???



-pause-



Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's true. European bureaucrats created a new mega bureaucratic position. The president of all Europe. If the position held any real meaning, I'd be hard pressed to say there isn't a new most powerful man in the world. However, the new president is this guy, from Belgium

As one Indian official said before the announcement: "If the EU chooses as its worldwide representative the prime minister of Belgium or Luxembourg I am not sure our leaders will have the time to meet him."

Besides the laughable fact that he happens to be from Belgium, I suspect the presidential position will have little to no power, at least at first. There's no way of knowing this because they haven't actually decided what the new president of Europe will actually do. They elected him, but have not decided his powers. This sounds terrible, this new guy won't even have to steal, plunder, and abuse power over centuries like our presidents, he might just be given it right now. Given Europe's history of love affairs with kings and dictators, I'd say there's a good chance this might actually be a relevant position once a non-belgian takes office. A good englishmen will have this position relevant and hated within his first few years in office.



Now I'm a small government guy, so the idea of a bunch of leaders from democratic countries electing a leader to represent the whole continent(without a single citizen getting to vote on the matter, mind you), scares the living Jesus out of me. I don't understand how this is a good thing for anyone. The interests of Cyprus are just not the same as Ireland, and vice versa. But then again you could say that for Alabama and New York. Regardless, this brings everyone one step closer to a world government. The United States has been doing it's best to police the world, and I guess Europe finally decided to man up. Give it 50 years and our President and Their president will be voting(publicly) on shit that goes down in Siam, I can hardly wait.


But I'm being negative, let's look at the positives of this.

-We're one step closer to Gundam 00 coming true.
-Wars on the continent of Europe will now be civil wars, not world wars, so 1) they won't be able to make fun of us anymore, and 2) the phrase Civil War in America scares people, so maybe we'll stay out of the next series of European Shenanigans.
-This is just one more target for radicals to assassinate.
-While playing CoD:MW2 online, you can shout to your European Faggot Enemies "All your presidents combined into one president still can't handle our president. Bitch."
-Belgium has a slightly better chance of not getting invaded for a few years.
-New conspiracy theories!(I'm telling you, wait 50 years and see how much power this position has!)
-Australia is no longer the only continent with a single ruling president or prime minister.

My time in an English Pub...in Boca Raton, Florida.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, but I was definitely inspired by my time at the local English pub. The Lion and Eagle! I'd never been in there before and today Ireland played France. I got out of POS1001 and knew that I must see the game. I'm going to be spending some time in ireland this summer and I knew it was time to man up. I was sporting my Celtic jersey, and my Irish hat, and walked up to the pub hoping the IRA hadn't killed any cops recently. After briefly entering the wrong establishment in confusion, a nice Ukrainian gentlemen pointed me to the right door. Great start. I entered.

First of all, it was crowded as fuck. Slovenia was playing Russia, Portugal was playing Boznia, and Ukraine had just lost to Greece. Needless to say, there were lots of foreigners. I walked up to the barman and my first question was answered, "do english people really run the bar?", they do, his accent was awesome. I ordered a coke and landed myself in the middle of the bar, standing between a bunch of dark skinned frenchmen. I only wish someone had a camera to capture how utterly uncomfortable I was, standing there with both hands on my drink, sipping my coke from a straw, sandwiched between these french people. I texted my brother about my visit and he informed me that I should have just ordered a beer. I rationalized, I drove here, and it's 3:30, probly best I stuck with the coke.

That argument lasted about 5 minutes, when the french guys left and I got a spot with my irish comrades. There was probably about 15 irish fans and I started to make friendly with two guys in their thirties. Both of them were from south florida and we started chatting about the experience. Then we scored! The crowd erupts! The english feller at the bar exclaims, "last I checked this was an english bar", in jest. Everyone is happy. My new irish buddy offers to buy a round for the two of us. The barman asks what we're drinkin. "Miller!" says one guy. "Bud" says the buyer. "Uhh...Coke..." I murmer.
"Coke? Jeez man, way to carpe diem there mate, you're practically in international waters here, they don't care." says the round buyer.
"Uhh...well..."
"You're a cheap ass date at least"
and the merrymaking continues...
at one point the friendly buyer had to piss and asked me to protect his spot. Well I got distracted by another game and the tallest fucker in the bar(seriously, he was like 6'7 at least) jumped in his spot. I knew I was fucked. The round buyer returned to ask if I had simply asked the tallest person I could find to steal his spot. I offered him mine and he tells I haven't learned my lesson at all, never give up your spot and to be assertive, you're a big guy.

The game goes on, and then into over time, and then disaster strikes in the form of a black french player by the name of Theirry Henry.He practically caught the ball and knocked it to his teammate to score the series winning goal. The game ended shortly after and the entire pub was crushed to see the Irish be denied by such whorish french ungodly slut jewish nazi rapist islamofascist stalinesque tactics. I say goodbye to my new mates and make for the exit. As I'm leaving I hear a toast "to the memories we've made!" by the elder irishmen at the bar. It made me smile a bit but the american anger in me was just too damn overwhelming. Injustice had conquered on this day, and americans hate injustice.

So I came out of today with a few new experiences and a few lessons learned, so I shall list them.

1) Carpe Diem. If you're in a foreign bar, you can always order beer.
2) French People are dirty and smelly.
3) English people are not to be fucked with(a man bumped into the barman and said "I didn't just bump you" to which the englishmen replied "I know when a man bumps me, for it's the last thing he'll ever do.").
4) English people don't call it sexting, they call it 'sleaze texting'.
5) Never give up your spot.
6) Sporadic racist jokes aren't looked down upon.
7) I think the jury's still out on this one but I say if he's an ass when he's sober, it doesn't necessarily make him an ass when he's drunk.
8) However tempted you are to buy the pub tshirt, you're only going to look like a douche.(I wanted one SO badly...)
9) Be ready to tell your family history on a moments notice.
And most important...
10) Always make yourself out to be a working man(CC student worked wonderfully). Lower or
lower-middle class only.

Ok, I admit it, I supported the invasion of Afghanistan.

Yes, yes, it's true. I was young and naive, and needed the money. Ok so I didn't get paid to support the war. But I was, at the ripe age of...one..two...10 years old, very afraid because I was living in a peninsula, which meant I would be totally screwed if they(the evil they!) attacked northern florida and I had nowhere to go but Cuba. Dub 43(that is, George W., the 43rd president) convinced me they we needed to employ some god damn offensive defense to save the country and kill the bastards that attacked the twin towers(which I had never heard of before 9/11). I was living in a conservative household at the time, I think my dad had already moved out by then, and I wasn't exposed to anything but FOX and Rush Limbaugh on the radio, so naturally, I was able to mock my classmates with glee "aren't you glad that Gore isn't in office right now?" I showed them.

Now you may be wondering why, eight years after 9/11 and the subsequent invasion of Opiumland, I'm bringing this up. One it's because I feel so god damn stupid, knowing that if just not for Afghanistan(I was learning during Iraq, so I wised up really, really quick, so I'm not counting it nah nah!), I would have never supported a war in my lifetime. I also read this brilliant article by John Mueller (http://www.the-american-interest.com/article.cfm?piece=418) and I whole heartedly agree with the man. It also helped me come up with this terrible joke.

9/11 terrorist attacks: About $500,000
Money spent on War on Terror: $922965833976*
Destroying America from the inside out: Priceless

I would break down the cost in american vs iraqi/afghan blood, but that's just tasteless and I suck at math.
*Costofwar.com and I don't care if it's wrong by 50%, the number is still staggering.

If you have the time, please read that article, by the way.


Back to the matter at hand, I supported the war. I didn't know the Ruskies had tried this before and I couldn't have pointed it out on a map, but by Captain's Falcon Punch, I wanted to replace the fucking milk in my cereal with Al-Qaeda/Taliban/Muslim/DC Sniper/Anthrax-Maker blood. In other words, I had War Fever. I was soon satiated. We bombed the motherfucking shit(the first time I've used vulgarities and actually felt it was necessary to express what I was trying to say) out of Afghan caves. New fancy words like Daisy Cutters and Bunker Busters were becoming household names. This is America and you can suck my 10 year old dick I would tell an Afghan if I saw him, right before I shot him.

Nowadays, things are a little bit different. If I met an Afghan man I would apologize to him. I would explain that I'm steadfastly against American imperial policies. I would listen to his plight. How we bombed the hospital where his wife was giving birth. Blew up his opium field. Killed his brother. Or maybe he wasn't even directly affected. I would still apologize.

But as the wise and honorable Mr. Jacques(he beat the Obama drum a bit too much for a man who liked to label himself a libertarian on occasion, in my opinion, but such is a public school teacher, plus he'd be crazy not to with crazy liberals like Adam Steinberg in his class)...

what was I talking about?

"Hindsight is 20/20" Jacques would always say, and this is a very true statement. Even if I knew then what I know now, would I have the courage NOT to support the effort to go overseas and destroy every decent aspect of life a person even remotely affiliated to 9/11 had? Sadly, the answer is easily yes, my life, and yours, has been wildly impacted by our foreign policy since 9/11. As history has shown, imperial policy abroad only leads to civil strife domestically, and although I can't quite answer what we should've done(I could try), going to war is never an option in my playbook.


Of course, if people just adhered to the constitution, we wouldn't even be in a situation where something like 9/11 would happen, but you can't change history, only make it.

A Day At The Beach, AKA The Greatest Story Ever Written Ever by Zack Mayo and Four Other Students in my English Class. But Mostly Zack Mayo.

In my English class, I was tasked to write a story with four other classmates with the topic simply being 'A Day At The Beach.' This is what we came up with.




Once upon a time, a man with a shadowy past named Johnny Crunch took a day off from his job in the factory to take his family to a day at the beach. Johnny, his wife, his son, and his dog all walked from their apartment to the nearby shore. Once they arrived, Johnny's son asked him to get an ice cream cone for him. Johnny leaves his family.
Meanwhile, less than a mile offshore, Captain Morgan, captain of the Barrel, a thousand foot pirate yacht realizes that his ship is completely dry. To replenish his stock of booze, he sends his evil henchmen, the Rum Runners, to go ashore and pillage. Dozens of Rum Runners ride ashore on their jetskis. The Rum Runners rape, pillage, and plunder everything in sight in their search for booze. When they stumble upon Johnny's wife, they brutally attack and rape her. The dog attacks one of the assailants, killing him. The Rum Runners shoot the dog 1,000 times, leave the wife, and kidnap the son as payment for their fallen comrade. Just as the Rum Runners are leaving, Johnny Crunch returns with an ice cream cone to find his dog slaughtered, his wife raped, and his son being kidnapped. In tears, he drops the ice cream cone. Johnny is then snapped from his trance like state by the dying words from his wife, "Save him Johnny, please!" Johnny promises he will save their son, and runs from the beach to prepare.
On the Barrel, Captain Morgan and his second-in-command, First Mate Swallows, finish directing the loading of the alcohol when they are brought the boy. "He's fabulous," said First Mate Swallows, "can I keep him?" Captain Morgan slaps First Mate Swallows hard across the face and says, "No, he will not be tainted by your vile touch, he stays with me!" First Mate Swallows runs off crying.
Back on the beach, Johnny Crunch has finished his preparations and commandeers the jetski of the fallen Rum Runner and rides into the night. He pulls his jetski alongside the massive pirate yacht and pulls out his grappling hook. Johnny throws the hook over the side of the railing and climbs up. He vaults over the railing, pulls out two pistols, and shouts "IT'S CRUNCH TIME, BITCHES!" Two Rum Runners run to investigate the noise, and Johnny shoots them simultaneously. Johnny then enters the nearest room and begins blasting. Rum Runners in the room are screaming and shouting, but few are able to return fire before Johnny Crunch picks them off with pin point accuracy. Johnny walks up to one of the wounded Rum Runners and asks where his son is. The Rum Runner points to some stairs, leading to the lower deck of the ship. Johnny thanks the Rum Runner by shooting him in the head.
At that moment, First Mate Swallows bursts into the room with twenty more Rum Runners all armed to the teeth. Johnny combat rolls behind a marble statue of Captain Morgan. As pieces of the statue crumble around him, Johnny pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it behind him. It explodes, killing most of the Rum Runners. First Mate Swallows escapes down the stairs. Johnny finishes off the remaining Rum Runners with ease and proceeds down the stairs as well.
Johnny arrives at the end of the corridor and enters the room.
There's a naked woman tied to the wall in the back, with First Mate Swallows, Captain Morgan, and Johnny's son standing in the middle. Captain Morgan has a gun to the boys head. "Shoot him, Swallows!" shouts Captain Morgan, but Johnny was too fast, and shot First Mate Swallows in the chest. He fell. Captain Morgan then pushes the boy and points at Johnny, but once again, Johnny was too fast, and shot Captain Morgan in the head. Captain Morgan fell alongside First Mate Swallows. Johnny's son then runs to hug Johnny, shouting "Daddy!" A gun shot sounds. The boy falls. First Mate Swallows drops the gun, still laying on the floor. Johnny walks up to him, sticks the gun in his mouth, and says "Swallow this!" and fires. Swallows' head rolls off. Johnny then gets up and walks to the naked woman and unties her. She thanks him, introduces herself as Destiny, and asks his name. "I'm the new captain of this vessel. You can call me Crunch, Captain Crunch. Let's go, it's Crunch time."

On Why A Man Who Can Kill Everyone On Earth at the Word Banana Should Not be Eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize

and variouf other interefting topicf fuch af King Obama and the Divine Right of Liberals.
That's a poke at all those crazy revolutionary pamphlets that had f's for S's. Open a text book, I beseech you.

TO THE MATTER AT HAND

This morning I, like every other two-bit writer in the country, was awoken by a loved one(in this caseKris) to be informed of the news that Barack Obama had won the Nobel Peace Prize. Beyond the immediate attempt to invent a new tier of the phrase of "WHAT THE FUCK?" because the situation called for it, I imagined a smirk faced bastard sitting behind a podium, accepting the award for Nobel Prize. This smirk faced bastard happened to be the Grand Enlightened Monarch of America, and he also happened to be Commander in Chief of an army that has over 1,000 military bases overseas, a standing army of 1.4 million(with almost 500,000 abroad), and at the word Banana, can launch 5,000 nuclear weapons in all directions that can literally destroy all life on Earth. Even the penguins. I really hope the password to launch nukes is Banana and that several men sporting all black and sub machine guns are on their way to kill me right now.


This guy, who as of January 20th 2009 has been in charge of the United States, one of the most imperialist and aggressive nations of the past century, does not deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. The Norwegian Assholes of the shoes-on-wrong-foot Retarded Nobel Committee cited his "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples." Now I'm not a fucking political scientist, nor am I pants-on-head retarded like the Nobel Committee, but this is the guy who went to give a speech to the children of our country, and parents started pulling their kids out of school. Does that not say something about the cooperation between peoples in this country? Iraqi's and Afghan's must sure enjoy the cooperation of the business end of an M4 Carbine held by a 17 year old who was too stupid or too poor to do anything else with his life. or her life. but not his fabulous life, because gays are clearly detrimental to morale.

I cannot stress the stupidity of this. Nor can I stress that this is NOT a good thing. The last thing the King of the United States needs is another god damn crown. Jagland(the fucktard in chief of the committee) said "His diplomacy is founded in the concept that those who are to lead the world must do so on the basis of values and attitudes that are shared by the majority of the world's population,"

Last I checked, Obama was the president of MY FUCKING COUNTRY. Not the the world. Fuck the world. The rest of the world can literally go fuck itself. I'm not sure if you read the Constitution oh dearest king, but your job is not to police the world and ensure peace for all. It's simply to veto legislation, talk to congress, and negotiate treaties with other countries. Making sure some fucking Iranians don't slaughter those silly land gabbing jews is a worthy cause, but not your fucking job.

This is just another case of the world falling over and landing anus first on Obama's(what I would assume) gigantic black cock. We can call the Nobel Peace Prize Committee the First Anal Expeditionary Squad. When you look at what Obama has done(been black), and is responsible for(wasting a lot of hard earned...nay...printed/borrowed money), I, and one would assume everyone else that isn't must-wear-helmet-when-leaving-the-household retarded, would say that my left nut is about as worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize as Barack Obama. But at least my left nut isn't responsible for the lives of the people of Afghanistan and Iraq, who would assuredly say that King Obama is anything but peaceful.

If I were king of sports land...

Today I was hit in the face with the harsh unloving reality of capitalism when I discovered that Los Angeles has two baseball teams. Not only that, two relevant baseball teams. I say this to the people of Los Angeles, you greedy greedy bastards, do you REALLY need TWO baseball teams? Same to you NYC. You're a bunch of greedy assholes. This is what happens when you leave capitalism unchecked, all the rich people take all the cool things(like football teams) and even the uncool things(like baseball teams) away from the poor poor people of cities like Billings, Montana or Birmingham, Alabama. Something needs to be done!

Don't worry, this is why we have government!

Having finally seen the light in the uses of government regulation, I'm going to apply to become Sports Czar of the Obama Administration. Being that I pay my taxes and have not been recorded promoting communism, I'm pretty sure I'll be approved by Monday. Once I'm appointed Sports Czar, the first mandate I'm making is that a city can only have one sports team per sport.

Sorry LA Dodgers, your days of not getting hit by things is over. And GET-THE-FUCK-OUT JETS JETS JETS because your bullshittery will no longer be tolerated. Chicago Cubs, I'm dealing with you the way I deal with girls that lead me on and break my heart, never letting you go! That's right Chicago White Sox, the MLB already has a team with colored Sox, so go fuck yourself. NY Mets, don't even waste my time! Hey, Jacksonville Jaguars, you're too close to Tampa, GTFO!

Barrow, Alaska, enjoy your new football team, the Barrow Rollers!
Killdeer, North Dakota, you get a fucking baseball team, The North Dakota Deer Shankers!
Phenix City, Alabama, I appreciate your sticking it to weird spellings of things, have a baseball team compliments of Chicago, the Phenix Dropouts!

and the best of all

Arkadelphia, Arkansas, you deserve a punch in the face, instead, you get a football team, the Arkadelphia Desert Eagles

Don't tread on me, I has a glock.

After an intense concert and high speed giraffe hand off last night, I was hoping to spend my Sunday watching football and stuffing myself. Danny Lustman(lifetime neighbor, now living with us) had other plans in store. I wake up to the sound of knocks and "Zacky, let's go shootin' today!"..."Wuh?" "Don't make me cannonball on that bed, let's go shootin, you got 5 minutes!"

Now normally I'd say the last thing I want to do before noon the day after a concert is anything besides stuff myself and watch football, but my inner male really got the best of me. Shooting shit sounded very appealing today. So I get myself out of bed and I think, what do you wear to go shooting? I went with my camo pants, and then I stumbled on my 'Ireland' T-shirt, and I knew I couldn't go wrong there. As I was marching out of the garage, I found my Call of Duty/Fidel Castro hat, and there was really no other choice at that point.

Danny and I grabbed some lunch and made off for Revere Gun Range just off Copans. We march in, and we're assigned lanes 1 & 2. At this point I'm giddy. There's guns EVERYWHERE, the guy behind the counter had three teeth, and the place was completely un-airconditioned. I knew we'd come to the right place. "What kinda target you want?" Danny asked, and I looked. There was Osama, a black target, and a circly one. "I'll take the black guy" I said, and immediately began giggling. No one noticed. Danny came armed with a .9mm and a 'forty'. After some very basic instructions('Always keep yer weaponry pointed downrange'), I was soon handed a loaded pistol(the .9) and given a target about 10-15 feet away(your guess is as good as mine really).

I lifted the weapon. It was heavier than my controller like in Call of Duty, but then again, I don't have the rumble pack. "You've been training you whole life for this" I told myself aloud. Years and years of FPS training ran through my head, I pointed the weapon at my black target. I lined up the sights with my left eye, just like CoD4, shut the right, and fired. The noise was damn loud, but I was wearing my headphone thingies. I look downrange, my shot hit the 8-ring, on the upper left side of my black man. I lined up again. Fired. 9-ring, bottom right. Lined up for the third time, fired, and just like in the movies, bulls eye. Right under the X in the chest. Danny patted me on the back. "Damn son!" A grin stretched the length of my face.

After a few clips of the .9, Danny handed me the 'glock forty'. I'm not sure what the exact significance of the 'forty' aspect compared to the .9, other than the fact that it's louder, heavier, and more powerful. I line up the 40 and shoot downrange. It's got a lot more kick back. Danny hands me a box of bullets. Now this is where I find my first problem in gun handling. I couldn't get the damn bullets in the clip. I'm pretty sure I've already developed arthritis. It was a struggle. I developed various techniques that didn't help me at all. I later found out that if you just convince yourself you're about to be shot, you at least move faster, if not more efficiently.

My second problem in gun handling came in user error. Apparently, if you slack your wrist while shooting, the bullet can get lodged in the chamber and jam. I solved the problem easily by ejecting the clip and reloading, but it was damn annoying, because it happened a bunch of times, until Danny's friend(who met up with us) diagnosed the problem, but by that time the 40 was out of my hands.

Anyways, I did my time with the 40, but I really did my better work with the .9. Danny set me up with an Osama sheet. I stared him down. He was sporting an AK-47u. Maybe there is something to be said for those people who say videogames accustoms youths to violence.

No time to worry about that...

I did some mean head shots. I was a little disappointed no one called out "headshot" whenever I got one, but the feeling satisfying none the less. I played around with the distance of the target, I didn't miss a body shot from at least 30 feet, I'd say.

After about 400 rounds of spent ammunition, Danny and I called it a day and packed his bag full of guns and left. I kept my two black man sheets, and brought the home to show my mom. She was very pleased. s a matter of fact, I haven't seen her smile like that in awhile. Sick mindedness clearly runs rampant in my family. I brought the sheets upstairs, taped them to my wall, took pictures, then tagged all my friends in the various bullet holes after I uploaded them on facebook.

All and all, I'd say I'm very pleased with my brief foray into shooting make believe black people and terrorists.

Because sometimes epic does come true.

I'm here with you this morning to describe the most epic moment of my life in entirety. I word that funny so you understand that I will never, ever experience anything so epic ever again. Getting married, hover cars become main mode of transportation, attending Green Bay victory in super bowl. NOTHING, will rival the epicness of what I'm about to describe to you, and for once in my life, I feel even MY words can't do justice to the experience, but I will try...


The night, like most epic nights, began with a concert. Kris, Sean, Matt, Milly, Sen, Kayla, Courtney, and I all arrived together. We had a blast, the show was great, there were some stellar quotes, and Kris was on my shoulders for the entire duration of Fall Out Boy's rendition of Don't Stop Believin'. We(who's we?) also established an inside joke(that I shan't not revealeth) that I hope will persist for some time. All in all, we left the concert completely satisfied and assured that we had an epic night. But fate had other plans in store for us. Matt dropped Kayla and Courtney off and the rest of us headed to Steak & Shake for an after concert buttsecks extravaganza. We all enjoyed our meal, the waitress herself was a blink fan, and all was merry. However, while paying for the meal, what I like to call Matt's 'stupidic gold' kicked in, and he played the crane game where you try to win a stuffed animal. Matt won a Giraffe. There was a cookie monster in there too, but fate denied me my cookie monster. I cried. As we walked out, Matt remarked 'Here kid' and threw me the Giraffe and winked at me and cocked his finger, a glorious cliche. I squealed like a little school girl and got in my car. Kris Milly and Me driving my car, with Sean, Sen, and Matt driving his car.


As we were pulling out, my 'assholic gold' kicked in and I remarked to Kris "We should throw the Giraffe at him."
"Pull up along side him and we'll give it to him"
He pulled out of the parking lot, I tried to get beside him but I was blocked by late night hungry people pulling in. We take a left and take a back road to 441. I still couldn't reach him...
We pull on to 441, we all remark that he's getting away. I weave in and out of traffic.

And this is where EPIC happened...

Finally we reach him. My windows roll down. The song on my ipod changes to Silent Melody and blasts it.
(This is the part where you play this song.)



We pull up alongside him, Kris shouts with ire "WINDOWS DOWN!"
Matt doesn't understand. "WINDOWS DOWN!" Kris shouts again, waving the Giraffe. Matt understands. His window rolls down. "TAKE IT!!!" Kris shouts. Matt is confused. "TAKE THE GIRAFFE!!!" Matt reaches out. The cars are moving side by side going 60 down 441. A stuffed giraffe and several thousand dollars worth of car are at stake. We swerve, Kris stretching as far as he can out of the car, Matt doing all he can to steady the wheel and reach for the giraffe. Milly and I are shouting. Sean and Sen are laughing. For a quarter mile stretch, the fate of the world was at risk. I edge my 2000 Honda Accord Garbage Can Edition closer to Matt's 2007 Honda Civic. I look over, the cars are close. Very, very close. We're all shouting. Kris stretches to his limits, Matt to his. Matt barely grasps the giraffe with the tips of his fingers. Kris feels the pull and lets go...




The giraffe slips out of both hands and falls to the ground at 60 miles per hour...Milutin looks back, and sees a dark object tumbling, and the coming to a halt, all in slow motion, like Mufassa falling into the herd of wildebeasts in Lion King. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" Kris shouts with all this might. My voice finally reaches the edge of my lips, and only insane decibels of incoherency follows. Matt slows his car. The light ahead of us is red. "WE'VE GOTTA GO BACK!!!" I shout across the lane. "It's too late now..." Kris remarks. "BETSY!!! WHYYYYY????" I shouted, and suddenly the giraffe had a name. She was Betsy. And now she was dead. We all laughed, only to hide the pain. The cool hands of insanity had come upon us, silently coaxing us into a false sense of happiness.

Our paths parted ways, I made my left onto Judge Winicock road. Silence ensued. As we approached the turn into Kris' neighborhood, Kris opened his mouth to spew what I can only describe as the reason why I love him so much.






"We really dropped the...giraffe on that one"




The car slows to a halt, and I no longer find myself able to operate a motor vehicle due to laughter spasms. I pull bleary eyed into Kris's neighborhood to end what would undoubtedly be the most epic night I'll ever have. It seems that sometimes epic does come true.

Government Kills

As none of you know, President Obama signed a bill into law in June which personally affects my life. The Food & Drug Administration, more commonly known as the FDA, was given the power to regulate the sale of tobacco. Today was the first day that the FDA is able to prohibit the sale. All for the my protection. Thank you government, for placing restrictions on something I would like to buy. Yes, yes, it's true. I very rarely enjoy a Djarum Black Kretek Cigarette. No longer, unfortunately, will I be able to buy them, to put my hard earned money into free market. Why? Because if I smoke those things I'll die.

Let me tell you something. I DAMN WELL FUCKING KNEW THERE ARE BAD THINGS IN CIGARETTES WHEN I BOUGHT THEM. And I also saw the nice little label that told me that smoking is bad on the pack as I opened it and succumbed to the evil that is tobacco. OH EXCUSE ME. FLAVORED TOBACCO. But not Menthol. Nope. Why not? Well it's because Menthol has been around for awhile. Well it's still flavored, won't that attract teen smokers all the same? Yes but you see it's been around for awhile. I'm still not convinced. Well you see those foreign companies that sell flavored cigarettes in the US have been stealing some of our business, but NOT to fret, we(Big Tobacco, as they call us) have a bunch of shiny politicians in our pocket which we give millions of dollars to annually so they don't get voted out office, so we're going to tell them to but this bill into legislation that will BAN flavored cigarettes, ALL IN THE NAME OF PROTECTING OUR YOUTH.

FAT FUCKING CHANCE

No. I almost guarantee that this is being done so domestic companies can continue a government favored monopoly on cigarettes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm totally pro-tobacco. There literally would not be a United States of America without tobacco. It's a cash crop that never loses demand, what's not to love? But this is absurd. What's next? Kids have been playing too many video games which means they don't get outside enough which means they're obese and aren't studying enough, so in order to protect them, WE THE CONGRESS, and KING OBAMA are going to mandate that NO ONE can buy more than one video game a month. That's exactly what's they're arguing now! I'm 18 god damn years old, come war time, the tax man can come to my door and demand I fight or face firing squad, but because 16 year olds are buying flavored cigarettes, I can't buy them? That's absurd. If that's the case, we might as well stop selling alcohol to anyone, because somehow, kids are stilling getting their hands on it and driving drunk. Surely, those fuckers in congress and the King and his czars want to continue to protect our youth from the dangers on alcohol! Oh...wait...alcohol companies also spend millions of dollars a year getting congressmen to do their bidding. So much for that idea!

It just pisses me off...

People have been disregarding the health effects of modern tobacco 50 years now, it's still selling strong. It's a persons right to live(and die) as they choose, if they work for it. If that teenage pregnant girl working minimum wage at McDonalds wants to spend and hours worth of work to smoke 3 inches worth of death leafs to feel better about herself, you have no god damn right to tell her not to. Or that's how the argument would have gone. But I've just about given up hope. No one cares anymore. The government knows best, that's what they're there for, right? Why bother questioning under what authority the government has the right to ban an item that has been selling on the free market for years? Why bother question the constitutional legality of government Czars? Why bother question why the government takes 35% of my money(or rather, why the government takes all our money, and so generously lets us keep 65% of it)? Why bother question anything?

You know what?

Fuck Obama, fuck our unlimited term representatives, and fuck the judicial branch for letting things get so out of hand. Out of hand. More like ruined beyond repair. There's no turning back now. Not in the one party system we have now. And it is a one party system. Don't kid yourself. They're all the same. Congressman Ron Paul, will you do me the honors? "We have a one party system. Both parties endorse the welfare state and corporatism. Both parties endorse intervention overseas. But they also write the campaign laws. So they have made it virtually impossible to break the monopoly."

I was discussing this last night with my dad, and we both came to the same conclusion, going to Washington before around 80 years ago meant doing your duty. It was a burden. But come a couple big wars and a few greedy bastards, it's become a job. It's all about ME now when it comes to politicians. First things first, I need to get reelected. To do that, I need money. To get money, I sell votes(tying us back into the cigarette bullshit, see?). But it's not 'selling' votes. Now, it's just pushing legislation to protect our children. Don't mind that the only reason I'm here is because I get money from corporations that lean on me to vote on legislation in ways to favor them. From banning a product mostly made by foreign companies, to pushing financial regulation, everything is done to profit someone, and nothing changes in Washington. Did I say change? I hope those of you who voted for Obama because you though he'd change things are god damned ashamed of yourselves, because you should be. More so than cubans who voted for Castro and Germans that voted for Hitler. Nothing is going to change while people can be life long politicians. Obama never worked a real damn day in his life. We need term limits. Ever since being a politician became a job and not a duty, the idea of the people voting out incumbents is no longer a sufficient term limit. Senate reelection rate is 81%, the House is around 90% for the past 44 years. That's a 4/5 chance you keep your job for the next 6 years if you're a senator. Pretty sweet deal right? If I vote to ban that flavored tobacco, I'll get money from tobacco companies to campaign with, and with that I'll almost assuredly get reelected. Sweet deal, I think so.

People have gotten pissed off lately, and there will be a swing in congressional seats in the coming election, but don't let that fool you. Change is never coming in this system. Never.

Pearl Jam is the only love of my life.

After the Harry Potter series ended, I've continually had to find new reasons to continue living. Pearl Jam and their music is one of those reasons. Rocking strong for like 16 years now, Pearl Jam is truly one of the bands of legend. A band that spans generational gaps. A band that always has something important to say, but their message means something different to every set of ears that happens across their music. Hard, soft. Grunge, punk. Anyone who appreciates rocknroll can, and should, appreciate PJ.



But to me it really doesn't matter if you do or don't. PJ is one of the few bands that I put above debate. A God, if you will. An entity in which I feel I owe something to. And I undoubtedly do owe some of my sanity to them. Mostly to Placebo, as far as music goes, but still some to PJ. Here's a Pie Chart of Things To Which I Owe My Sanity. If you find yourself in one of these categories, I thank you. If not, strive to be one. If you did the math, yes.



Anyways, back to Pearl Jam. I've seen them live(with Kings of Leon, who is also golden), and they are absolutely amazing. Throwing my newly purchased Pearl Jam shirt wrapped up in a ball to Will back and forth through a crowd just as the sun went down while PJ was jammin' away will forever be a memory sealed in my head. It was glorious.



The reason I've felt so obligated to express my undying love of Pearl Jam to all of you today is because they released a new album, which I just picked up, and am listening to as I write this. Now I'm not going to jump into the business of reviewing music, people do that better than me for money, but I can tell you that if you like Pearl Jam, Backspacer is a must buy. It's golden, and full of Eddie Vedder goodness. "The Fixer" is solid, I've already listened to it about 200 times(I bought the single on iTunes awhile ago), and I'm personally a big fan of "Unthought Known", it is probably the most reminiscent of the classic PJ sound. "Among the Waves" is another song that almost belongs with the PJ songs of old, but with this albums positive undertones, I almost feel a new category should be made. I'm not sure if we can expect more of these positive tunes in the future, but I'd like to see it happen. But if you think going into Backspacer you're going to get this lovie-dovie album, you're wrong, give "The End" a listen, it almost brought tears to my eyes.

Now that I'm done sucking Eddie Vedder's glorious piece, I would usually list the things wrong with the album here, but I really don't have much in the complaints department. As I said, Pearl Jam is perfectly flawed in my eyes. I'm pleased I bought the album, and being a person who very, very rarely pays for music, that's a huge compliment. I love you Pearl Jam, never stop rocking.

Maturity is relative.

First off, sorry I've been slacking so hard and not posting anything lately, I'm sure you're very disappointed, Adam Steinberg. In the very rare case that another dude named Adam Steinberg reads these, hello!

Anyways, I'm taking the time tonight to write about two very crazy things(to me at least) which I've been waiting my whole life for. One is a game called Sacred 2: Fallen Angel. The other, is a little bit of maturity shown by me. In the past few days, I've acquired both things, and believe it or not, I needed the game to gain the maturity.

This past Saturday, after completing my first week of college classes, I became very depressed of no one particular reason. I really can't explain it, but my best guess is I spent all this time preparing myself mentally for going to class that when I woke up friday and didn't have to go, I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt out of funk the entire weekend. After various attempts to feel better(which failed), I knew I had to pull out all the stops. Video games and brownie mix. The ultimate cure to any mental ailment(it's science). Being that it was 1 AM Sunday morning, I had to make a trip to super walmart to fetch these two key ingredients to happiness. I thought for sure that finding a game would be tough, I hadn't done any research, and my visitation to CheatCC.com (my game source of choice) has been severely lacking lately, so I was going into the store with no idea what to purchase. I stumbled to the game section, every so often shouting gangrape in a whisperish voice. That's a joke only three people will get. Regardless, I walk to the case, and after a bit of inspection, I stumble across Sacred 2: Fallen Angel. I see from the title and front of the case that it's an RPG. (One, I have a good eye for these things, and two, it depicts a war, which as anyone who's ever played an RPG knows, it's the role of the hero to avert the war, or lead the world up the it's events, BUT you never get to fight in the war...) Regardless squared, I whipped out my phone and did a wikipedia search,I discovered it's a sequel(which, having owned a ps2, is the only form of game I trust) Action RPG, featuring 2 player offline, and 4 player online. A third person view, but open world environment. That, ladies(who am I kidding?) and gentlemen, is gold. Pure gold. I see that and I see a combination of my two favorite RPG's, Champions of Norrath RTA and Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. And not only that, I can interact with others online(which I've yet to explore, and probably won't considering the 200 level cap). I pay for the game, have a short conversation with a Haitian man working the brownie mix isle, pay for the brownie mix, then proceed home. I arrived home, read the manual in the bathroom(which is ritual in my house) and then got distracted by lego's and spent the night being a 4 year old child again.

However, I played the game the following day, and although there are a few things I would prefer otherwise, the fact that I've been waiting for an open world action RPG on console my whole life, and being that this game is one, I've never felt more satisfied with a game in my life. And being that there's a 200 level cap and four difficulties(I skipped the bronze and went straight to silver, because I'm cooler than you), I have a feeling it will be consistently satisfying for a long time, unlike YOU Entourage! (I'm kidding I actually am not an Entourage hater, this season has been just as good as any in my opinion.)

Seamless transition to maturity....here.

Knowing Monday was fast approaching, I packed up my PS3 and hauled it over to my dad's apartment, where I stay while I take classes during the week. I finished my reading, played a bit, then went to bed around 12. Today I wake up(alarm malfunction, but still exactly when I wanted to wake up...), and go to class. I come home knowing that I have 104 pages of English to read, and a section of math to do(about 50 problems). I also know that Spaniards are playing soccer and the US Open(my recent obsession with tennis is another day's topic) is on. I also have the burning desire to 'play that fucking game', which any real gamer can relate to. To everyone's surprise, I settled with English. Then, after reading about 50 pages, I shifted into math, and finished that. With 2 hours until evening eating time(you heard me), I decided to play my game. After dinner...evening whatever, I finished up my remaining work, and began writing this.

You may think I have just recounted a normal day. And it may very well be a normal day to you. But to Zack Mayo. That's a damned amazing feat. To Zack Mayo, that's like exercise. I truly never thought I'd see the day where I would actually begin to ration time between work and pleasure appropriately. It's something I've never, ever done before. It can't be said simpler than that. Never before have I said, I'll do my homework first, and then do whatever I want after. Normal people say that. I don't. But today I did, which I see is a tremendous step towards increasing a small pool of maturity with which I just barely squeaked through high school with.

All this being said, I am, after all, only two weeks into classes, and all I did was a very simple math assignment, and read how to write essays, both of which I already know. But I still think it was such an important step towards furthering myself as a person that I must relate it to others.

Feel good stories are so annoying, so I'll end it with some pessimistic remarks. I thought I disliked reading them, but I really dislike writing them. I could've easily summed this up by saying 'Today I decided to study, and THEN play video games.' But I didn't, I wrote all this garbage. And if I'm lucky you read it, so HAH!

There, now I feel just about normal.

Your dad goes to college!

Summer is coming to a close, and all of us cool kids are going off to college. Some to Tally(wooo!), some to Orlando(fagggs), some to Miami, and even some to that god forsaken ghetto ridden swamp. I, however, am not going very far, but I'm still going off nonetheless. PBCC will be my new place of learning for the next two years, and I'm just as excited as everyone else. But I have a little spin to my college fun that nobody else will have the pleasure of having.

My dad is just about to complete his tenure at PBCC and move on to to FAU, which means that at one point there will be two Mayo's enrolled at PBCC this fall. For some this might be a really annoying or embarrasing situation for them to be in, but for me, it's like a godsend. One, it's just plain funny, considering the 35 year age difference. Two, Mayo blood courses with competitiveness, and I'll finally be able to compare my intelligence to that of my old man's. And Three, it'll be very interesting to see how professors react to teaching the son of a student they had not but two weeks prior.

This semester, I'll have the same professor as my dad for American History to 1865 as my dad, which I couldn't have planned better. History's my strongest subject, but unfortunately, you can guess why that is, I inherited all that from my old man. He had the highest grade in his class, so that's my goal going in.

Like I said before, I find this prospect very, very amusing. I have this scene running through my head where I point out to the family that I had a higher GPA than him, and we all start pointing and laughing. That, folks, is a motivation that can convince me(and probably only me, with my sick twisted mind) to succeed in college.

Good luck to each and every one of you in all your travels and experiences.
Love,
Mayo

Inspiration

Lately, as some of my readers so bluntly pointed out, I haven't written much. Well it's been due to a lack of inspiration. I've been quite busy and nothing has really tickled my fancy. However, I have found inspiration in a most unlikely place!

The past few days my streak of nerdness has completely skyrocketed. I began by trying to write about that, but I felt it just wasn't interesting enough to post, so I scrapped it. However I didn't scrap the nerdness. That has continued. Between my struggles and triumphs in trying to install WoW on my computer for the past week, and my recent spending binge on Magic cards, I've realized I've really been slacking in the male awesomeness department, and I find myself not caring. Sure I browse Packers.com every once in awhile to check on the rookies and I have ESPN on when I'm bored, but I already know Aaron Rodgers will lead us to another solid season and Brett Favre is retired. What I didn't realize is that I'm so ashamed of my inner nerd, which surprised me.

I've been collecting trading cards and playing video games since I can remember, but I've always kept a foot in the other door, always keeping up with sports. The tide has ebbed and flowed. I've spent summers building giant lego star wars and I've spent summers on soccer and lacrosse fields. Saturdays online playing StarCraft, Sundays playing golf or chilling in a bar watching football(or both if you dip after your front 9). In short, I was never fully committed to one or the other, sports because I didn't try hard enough, and being a nerd because it's not cool.

But today I realized why I've always loved being a nerd. It came in the form of a friendly smile from the girl who works at the local comic book store. I walked in there this afternoon to purchase more of the new core set, and there was about 7-8 grown men chilling in the back talking about random things(I think it was michelle obama when I walked in). I picked out my packs(which I've yet to open, due to inspired-ness) and as I was paying for them, I asked her what the occasion was. "Oh, them? Just Wednesday."

A bunch of 30 something aged dudes were chilling in a comic book store shootin' the shit because it was Wednesday. You can't find a group of friendlier people than that. I thanked the girl, waved goodbye to the hippie wife of one of the dudes and walked out smiling. You won't find happiness like that in a bar watching football, or on a golf course hacking away with your 9-iron. Nope, a simple wide grin like that can only be accomplished by walking out of a loud and full game shop with a fresh set of cards.


If anyone from Lost Realms happens to read this, I deserve some free stuff.

Due to Excessive Boredom: Some Zingers from Mayo.

Have some jokes that I decided to spend my time thinking of.

-Everything else sucks there, but I'd bet it'd be pretty sweet to own a range rover dealership in africa, apparently that's all they can drive.
-Horsefront riding isn't illegal in mexico.
-Nowadays in government we have Czars, which kinda made me wonder two things, when the people who are Czars these days were kids, were they like "When I grow up, I don't want to be secretary of such and such, or president of whatever, I want to be a fucking Czar!" And secondly, what were the other titles they were toying around with before they decided on Czar. I mean, Czar is the Russian word for Ceasar(yes, THAT Ceasar) which they used to designate a ruling monarch. Surely Emperor was on the list. Ayatollah? Jedi Master? I definitely think government would run a lot more efficiently if we had a Jedi Master of the Car Industry running the show.
-If there was proof that the government is secretly cloning people, it would be Samuel L. Jackson. He's everywhere.
-I want to make a DVD that's just full of background noise. Young couples could just pop it in and they wouldn't have to waste money on renting movies.
-People out west always talk about drinking moon shine, which kinda sounds like a pussy drink when you break it down. Maybe once they invent sun glow...
-Some people say the government needs to begin taking steps to colonize the moon and mars. I think we should just give the rights to MTV and VH1 to shoot reality tv shows up there. No one could sit here and convince me they wouldn't watch that.
-Florida's public education is funded by deals from indian casino's and lottery tickets. What exactly are we trying to teach these kids?
-The other day the Pope broke his wrist...shit has really gone downhill for the vatican since having sex with little boys was banned.
-The saying goes give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day, teach a man to fish, you've fed him for life. It's good they say man, because if you give a boy a fish, you've fed him for a day, teach a boy to fish, and you've convinced him to sit at a lake for the next four saturdays until he gives up.
-I kinda feel bad for walls sometimes, they've really had quite a fall from grace...they were the most effective way for keeping stuff in or out since the beginning of mankind, but nowadays they just seems to break a lot. You know something REALLY bad is about to happen next when a wall breaks down. Millions of gallons of water? Mongolian hordes? Sheep? If you ask me we're way past due for another breakthrough in wall technology. I'm talking like...forcefields.
-I have a bad habit of lowering my standards of things after awhile. Like, when I first got my car, it was a 2000 Honda Accord. Now it's more of a 2000 Honda Garbage Can. It still drives and stuff, it's just more accurately described as a garbage can.
-I always used to think I was special because I can listen to music, read, and sing at the same time. Then they invented the audiobook...
-If I could wish the whole world to be rid of one thing, I would wish it to be rid of hangnails, God definitely fucked up on the whole hangnails thing.
-I've always been proud of my irish decent. When you say irish, people think alcohol. It's pretty much the only nationality of people that are associated with just one thing. We have the monopoly on alcohol. Germans have Nazis and funny words. Russia has communism and snow. Australia has various furry critters and boomerangs. America has everything. Ireland? Just alcohol, thank you very much.
-I really think they should make a monopoly only with countries. The pieces could be the symbols for different corporations, and you just go around buying up the globe. Whatever countries the dark purple spaces would be will definitely be the laughing stock of the next UN summit. Nicaragua and Luxemborg! What're you laughing at Denmark? You got the electric company spot!
-I once got my hands on this bottle of Vodka, and it said at the top 'Traveller Pack'. It was very comfortable in my hand, but if they're going to commit to this portability angle, they should really get with the times go with cup holder friendly bottles.
-There's probably a reason I'm not in charge of things, and that reason would be my complete support of a federally funded program to make AT-AT walkers.
-They say humans only use 10% of our brains, which got me wondering, what other body parts are not running to their full capacity? Can my arms stretch if I can use 65% or more? Maybe bigfoot is just a guy who is running around using 100% of his body hair.
-I see a lot of soldiers wearing Livestrong bracelets and stuff, so that market is already covered, but I'd be a millionaire if I could just convince the up and coming generation of jihadists to wear Diestrong bracelets.

That's all I'm putting forth this evening, I hope one of these made you giggle, even if just a little.

/Cave: The trials and tribulations of a recovering WoW addict.

Lately I've been suffering from a particularly severe set of withdrawals from World of Warcraft. For those of you who live under rocks, it's the most addicting drug video game since Black Tar Heroin...Pong. Anywho, I've been keeping the urges at bay by reasoning that my laptop has a HUGE crack on the right side of it so even if I installed it I wouldn't be able to play. However, as they say, 'Mayo is a resourceful beast' and I'm positive that I could minimize the game and play on the top left side of my screen. Not helping the matter AT ALL is my father, who said that his computer(which has WoW installed on it) is starting to slow down and he's pondering getting a new one. Which would leave me a very nice desktop with an HD screen and an already installed WoW ripe for the playing. I'm beginning to have a serious problem...

Usually when I'm hit with the urge, I play a similar, yet non-life destroying game. Champions of Norrath, the console games from the famous Everquest series, provide the mind numbing hours of game play, but a conclusion to the game which then loops. Usually I can play a loop or two and have all the raiding out of my system, however, my PS3 has decided to stop playing anything but Blu-Ray discs, which makes me wonder if it's mad at me for still watching DVD's on it.

With Norrath not working, I whipped out CoD4, my old nemesis, to start up again. I'd forgotten that all my memory was deleted in my attempts to get Norrath to work and had to start over from scratch. Unfortunately for me, my gamer tag is FlamboyantHomo, and I'm starting with the piss poor guns and trinkets which means I'm not exactly going to carry the team as usual(and therefore inspire the leadership neccessary to convince people I'm a better asset to their ego alive), and people(particularly my teammates) tend to giggle when they shoot gay people(or in my case, percievably gay people). Too ashamed to put on my headset to yell at them, I was at the mercy of assholes(a shoutout to those limey bastards from the GB!) who continued to enforce the Don't Ask/Get Shot in the Head policy of CoD4. Perhaps they were pissed off that murdering gay people is now a hate crime in america(Thanks to Obama, all minorities are now hated equally, people who murder others are just going to have to plead insanity now), or perhaps people in britain just dislike gay people.
Regardless, there are other alternatives I've tried. I bought WoW books, which I thought might supply my addiction with a slow steady stream of WoW to satiate my needs, like a nicorete patch. It did no such thing. I even signed up for a couple online poker tournaments. But nothing worked. Nothing stimulated my mind.
So, with CoD4, Norrath, my WoW book, and gambling out of the question, I could only turn to my faithful blog for help, and it's provided none whatsoever. I believe this time, with community college a safe month away, I might just give in.
I really should consider picking up smoking or something, at least then I'll look cool while slowly throwing my life away.

/cave

The Legendary Slacking of Zachary A. Mayo

Ah, slacking, another one of the few things I'm spectacular at. I've spent an entire life getting out of work and, much to the chagrin of everyone that ever cared about me, I've done a very good job. The need to slack is deep rooted inside my head, and I've never been able to place it on just one reason. Perhaps because I think I'm smarter than everyone else(you can stop laughing now), or maybe because I've struggled with motivation my whole life, I've always slacked.

What I usually thought of when slacking in class. My awesome photgraphy.

My skills were tested in high school, oh yes. Lots of busywork and not much interesting stuff going on. Luckily, I stumbled across some very bright students that carried me through classes. Today's the day I give thanks to everyone who helped me, and I'll run through my slacking resume while I'm at it.

Freshman Year: I actually did all of my work freshman year and had like a 3.5(those B's in PE killed me)...pffft!

So thanks only to myself. There was one incident where I did sell some of my work in science although the kid was spanish, didn't speak english, and never paid me. I even got an A in spanish.

Sophomore Year: Muuuch better slacking going on here if I recall correctly.

Spanish 2(the first go-around) - I had the evil witch, Mrs. Zamora, and failed terribly. Hermes, wherever he is these days, probably deserves some thanks.

Geometry - Trace Lanson, probably the root cause of my failure(second semester) considering we just sat there and talked about football. None the less, Trace, Babur(Bo-bar as I called him), and Dylan deserve some thanks, I never ever did any of my own homework in the class.

Biology Honors - Justin Karpf quite literally DRAGGED me through this class. A friendship was stricken up of perpetual debt of gratitude, I still owe Justin for all that work. I passed both semesters with C's, somehow. I recall every lunch going to see Justin and the gang(Randye, Russel, Bobby and Co) to copy Justin as he did his bio work last minute. Good times, good times.

Junior Year: Mega-Slacking took place here.

Spanish 2(second go-around)- Milutin and Rachael provided me with everything I needed to get B's in this class. Then I'd fail the exam and get a C for the semester. GRACIAS, SENORA SANCHEZ! <3

Algebra 2- Let's see, I had Austin Miller and Ashley Bray behind me, and then Sussman in front of me. Lot of help these people were, I would've been better off talking to a wall, my voice might echo and I'd hear something intelligent. I copied a lot of my work from Jill if I recall correctly. I did exert some effort occasionally because Ms. Albert was a very good teacher and I felt bad if I didn't try.

Newspaper- I was Slacker-in-Chief for the first semester and slept everyday, but after an argument about Bubba Franks going to the Jets, I was adopted by the sports department. None of this had anything to do with the quality of my work, but it should be noted.

Chemistry Honors- Not sure how I wheeled and dealed my way into this class but I did. Thank GOD Nyssa sat next to me and helped me stay awake through class. Mr. Lock was a stand up guy, and I think we came to an unwritten agreement when he was going over STP and noted that it did not stand for Stone Temple Pilots, but something else entirely. Only I laughed, and I always felt treated differently after that.

English 3: Mrs. Donney!!!! I slacked but it was english so I got the job done.

Senior Year: The year I was crowned King Slacker, I'll just run down the list of classes.

English 4 Honors: I did not enjoy walking into class at 7:30 every other morning to the sound of Mrs. Jaffe, however, my slacking was paled in comparison to that of Alberto and Sebastian, who slept everyday. Crazy spanish kids! I did do a fair amount of slacking though, that included not doing any of the 'essays' that were in fact not essays at all but powerpoint presentations. I'd rather write 1,200 words than 12 slides, but that's just me.

AP Bluhm(AKA AP European History) - This was a grand ol' class to be in. Only the brightest minds made it into Bluhms lecture hall, and we all loved it. I didn't have to slack often because I enjoyed the class but there are some notable moments, such as: Turning in those 200 or so flash cards 2 weeks late(which were half my exam grade and I still only turned in about 180, which didn't help at all, but I did stellar on the actual test to get a C on the entire exam), pretty much completely skipping the chapter 24 take home test, and of course, being the only person to miss more than 10 days so I had to take the exam second semester, which I got a C on.

AP Gov't - I slacked A LOT(those notebooks were dreadful) in this class but never got below a 93 on a test. Mr. Jacques was epic. And I also led the male review game team to numerous victories, so thanks to Justin Karpf, Adam Steinjew, Iain Forgey, and most especially, for getting those completely random questions that none of us knew, Matt Harmon. TJ was there but little help in terms of anything but moral encouragement. Jean Paul makes the girls all warm and fuzzy.

Econ Hon - Once again, stellar tests, but notebooks killed me. Mr. Skelton and I had a severe love/hate relationship, brought together to our undying love of Pearl Jam and free market economics(I would write my opinions on all my work after completing half of it, and he would reply when he graded it), yet torn apart by my slacking and his busywork assignments. Thanks to Matt, Iain, BJ, Adam, and TJ for the good times.

Student Aid- I owe the one and only Mr. Lucas all the credit for giving me very little to do and lots to think about. I'm undoubtedly the biggest slacker of an aid he's ever had, or will have.

Newspaper- Jon Rukes and Corey Levine are clearly to blame for all problems the newspaper had.

Physics- Jesus, I could write a book about my slacking in physics. It's in physics where I first set my high score in Cube Runner and Scribattle, and conquered all the realms in Reign of Swords(Which I had aptly named 'Physics', and would shout out in class "Time to do some physics" whenever I wanted to play). I also drew lots of funny pictures in my Tome of Penis(but that's another blog), and continued to pull goofy pranks on Dave while he often slept. Making fun of Dave was a staple in the class. The female entertainment to an otherwise dick fest was provided by Jill, Fish, and Tino. There was a teacher in the classroom, Mrs. Wiant, but we never really learned anything involving physics. I did learn to sleep, and how to best make fun of short people.

Trigonometry - Mrs. Albert once again did her very best to get me to succeed, and she got one decent semester out of me. Second semester, knowing I had enough math credits to graduate, I took it upon myself to take Senior Privilege, and therefore completely and utterly failed the class. I showed up for one day 4th quarter in which there was a party and bingo. I won bingo. I must give thanks to Milutin though for once again carrying me through that first semester with his sporadic homework.

The feats I've gone over here are great in the slacking world, but the true greatness is in my attendance. The policy in Palm Beach County is if you are absent for more than ten periods, you have to pass your exam and one quarter to get credit. I pretty much had to pass every exam I ever took. My attendance sophomore year was probably worst, I must have missed like 30 days of class. As I mentioned I skipped pretty much the entire second semester of math my senior year, and my attendance in most other classes was well over the allowed 10. I remember the guidance counselor I met the summer before my freshman year gasped at my middle school attendance(which was completely pitiful) and told me that if I pulled something like that in high school, my parents would get in trouble, and I'd never graduate. I went about it like I had something to prove, and I'd be willing to bet I had the highest GPA among people in my attendance bracket, mostly because people with my attendance usually dropped out. Not me though, I stumbled along with the help of caring friends and teachers to graduate right on time and slightly above the minimum requirements.

College Admissions Committee's across the country were not as amused with my stellar slacking record as I was, and I was promptly denied from every major university I applied to.

But that's why God invented community college.

So with an SAT score 400 points above the minimum requirements, I trudge on to Palm Beach Community College, head held high, determined to do better than my father, who is just beginning his return to college after dropping out two years into his stay at the University of Kansas, some 30 odd years ago. With his stay at PBCC almost done(lolololol), he plans to move onto FAU. He made the Presidents list(not even knowing who the president of PBCC is), and so shall I.

So, for a brief period in my life, slacking shall have to cease, in order to be the second most educated person in my family, with Creighton being an overachiever and going off to study law at UMKC. The undertaking will be long and arduous, but I shall persevere. Slacking harder than ever! Because, like a true slacker, I have a general idea of what I'm good at and what I'm not, and I have no way of applying my talents in order to become a productive member of society.

A Brief Statement(I see a recurring theme here) on Flag Burning and Hate Crimes

I'm going for the double stample today by covering not one but two absurd issues in America. Flag Burning, because America's birthday was the other day, and Hate Crime because those silly gays are trying to get sexual orientation added to the list of minorities that can be subjected to hate crimes.



Let's start with the hate crimes because that's what I'm all riled up about to begin with. New legislation has been passed in the House of Representatives with the support of Obama would drastically increase the power and coverage of hate crime laws. I think it's all fine and dandy that the gay community wants to be included with every other minority group(although I can't imagine why), but there are a few things to consider about hate crimes themselves. In the proposed plan, the federal government prosecutes hate crimes, not state level courts. So if federal prosecutors aren't pleased with an acquittal, they can bring up the same charges in a federal court, and for some reason beyond my realm of thought, the supreme court has ruled this isn't a violation of the constitutional ban on double jeopardy.

The bill summary says it...

"Amends the federal criminal code to prohibit willfully causing bodily injury to any person because of the actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability of such person."

The comical value begins right about...here

So let's say I raped a girl. Apparently it's not enough to be charged with raping a girl, but I could also be charged with raping a girl because of her gender. Or if I stole the purse of a blind woman. Not only charged for the pilfering, but also because I targeted that woman because she was disabled. Now, I'd never do anything like that but this is a little ridiculous. We have laws in place to prevent people from raping anything(even really good looking animals) or stealing from anyone, and we also have laws that say I can hate black people all I want, and that I can be of the opinion that women are inferior all I want, as long as I don't hurt anybody. If I do hurt someone, then I should be punished for what I did, not my reasoning for doing it(imagine if people got out of robbery charges because they were poor[Five bucks Sotomayor will be the first to allow that to happen], or if rich white men got out of tax evasion because they were rich white men). Hate crime laws are a strike against our first amendment rights to express ourselves. Which brings me to the slightly more comical...



Flag burning!

I think it's a great thing that I could go out onto my front lawn and burn an american flag, don't you? People all around the world burn our flag everyday, probably not even knowing that they'd be allowed to do that here. There's been debate, mostly by conservatives and people who pander to the blind patriotism of americans, that there should be a constitutional amendment banning the burning of the Stars and Stripes. Besides the obvious restriction on my first amendment right to express myself, flag burning in the US would probably only increase if we made it illegal. Americans love breaking the law, we do it all the time. But lets say they did ban burning our flag, what's next? Burning the Confederate Stars and Bars? State flags can't be burnt? What if we sew all the state flags into one banner and then lit that baby up, is that next? The point is, once you give the government some power, they will always ask for more. First it's flag burning, then it's self immolation(how will we protest the upcoming second korean war?), and then god knows what after that. And besides, as the dirty socialist Norman Thomas once said "If you want a symbolic gesture, don't burn the flag, wash it."

A Brief Statement on My Stupidity...

I'm not sure who convinced me that sharing my ideas and opinions was a good idea, but they probably won't admit to it if asked. A few teachers, a few parents, and a bunch of friends that laugh at about 75% of the time I open my mouth, and here we are. After a brief and colored two year stint at my highschool paper, I graduated somehow and quickly ran out of places to convince people that I'm right about everything, so I proceeded to start shoving it down their throats by posting notes on facebook. Between sporadic rants about video games, politics, and my own general stupidity, everyone is sure to enjoy what I have to say...Or hate it and think I'm completely wrong and immature. I especially enjoy those people reading what I have to say.
Now I'm breaking out of my shell, and putting my ideas and opinions in front of the world, so that the twelve people who read my stuff on facebook can pity me and read it on here. Armed only with a laptop with a giant web of cracks on the right side of the screen, some sketchy wireless internet, and a few encouraging friends that are probably just humoring my ego, I embark into the world of Blogging.

Thank you and excuse the terrible name of this Blog, it was Kris' idea and I knew I'd enjoy saying "I need to update The Jar today!"
-Mayo